


Vast Rooms

by Gruzzle



Series: Forget the Ferris Wheel [2]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: AU, M/M, Mixed Cannon, POV Bram Greenfeld
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-15 18:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14795966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gruzzle/pseuds/Gruzzle
Summary: Blue puts a stop to the ferris wheel disaster before it even starts.





	Vast Rooms

_Well, this is an epic freaking shitstorm_. I can't help myself from channeling Simon when I read his effusive ferris wheel invitation on Creeksecrets. I mean, it's not that I don’t sort of love the idea, don’t love the sheer dramatic Simonishness of it, but I’m not there yet. I'm glad he seems to be feeling better, but the idea of publicly humiliating myself on a ferris wheel makes me want to vomit. I need another way to seek both an apology and forgiveness. Blue ghosted Simon days ago for being careless with our emails and now my anger, my indecision and the fact that I am still completely in painful love with the guy are turning Bram into a disaster. I guess it's not really a surprise that killing off Blue did not make my feelings go away. My heart and stomach are churning in endless orbits. The non-Blue me can't make any decisions about whether to even to try talk to Simon or not, or even what I should say if I tried. Are there enough apologies in the world for ripping the earth out from underneath him the way I did? Honestly, one minute ago was this close to just letting the whole situation go, to setting all of us free.

_Blue and I really need to get it together._

My phone buzzes on the table next to me. It's Garrett. I’m not surprised that Garrett saw the Creeksecrets post. There is no containing spilled social media gossip.

I answer with, "I think I'm going to vomit." I even move the trash can closer, just in case.

Garrett laughs gently, "I guess that answers my questions.”

I groan. "I have to shut this down. What am I going to do?" I lean my head melodramatically on the desk in front of me.

Garrett is actually quiet for once, briefly. "We will come up with a plan, but we need an end game. What is your goal here?"

I groan again, knotting with indecision. 

Garrett just keeps rolling on with the painful sports analogies "Look, he still wants you, despite what you did. Get your head in the game. Let's make a map of the field and then we can work on the plays. First, We KNOW you want Simon." I can almost hear his eyes roll through the phone. "It sounds like you don't definitely want to end up on that ferris wheel. Do you want... are you ready to be public with this?"

I am thankful for the way Garrett always treats our personal problems like a team sport. When I put the phone down, I still feel like a mess, but a more manageable mess. We don't have a plan really, but talking with Garrett has made me feel more confident at least that emailing Simon again is the right approach. It’s definitely better than leaving him to crash and burn in Creeksecrets infamy. But wow do I wish I’d never come up with that stupid ferris wheel analogy.

_______

From: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
To: frommywindow1@gmail.com  
Date: January 3, 2017 8:17 PM  
Subject: About the ferris wheel thing…  


Simon,

I owe you an explanation, I know that. I'm going to put my feelings down here, because if I freeze up when (yes, I’m offering you a when) I see you, at least you'll know where I'm coming from. Yes, this does mean that I'm willing to compromise on a meeting, but I'm not ready yet for the ferris wheel. I hope you can understand that.

For the last few days, I've been in a tough place. I am so, so sorry for ghosting you. I got scared and I got angry and I freaked out. I compounded my fear and anger with guilt when I stopped talking to you. I've been spending so much time chasing these emotions around in my head that I can’t even figure out if it’s fair for me to talk to you again after abandoning you like that. I want you to know, and maybe this is also unfair, but I think about you all the time. I love the way you always smile like you have a secret (which you did before Blue). **I love the way you hold eye contact a moment longer than you need to.** I wanted you to be Jacques since before you wrote that first email. I hope you don't think I froze you out because I'm not attracted to you. That is not it. I’m sorry I put you in this position. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry about this whole situation, but I’m also sorry I don’t really understand what this situation is. How did someone get our emails?

So, I'm willing to share my secret identity with you, if you can accept that I may not be able to share it with the world right now. Is this what you want?

How many times can I say I'm sorry and still be a little bit angry at the same time?

Love,

Blue

 

From: frommywindow1@gmail.com  
To: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
Date: January 3, 2017 8:17 PM  
Subject: About the ferris wheel thing…  


Of course I want to meet you!

I’m sorry if this message is hard to follow. I haven’t slept since that Creeksecrets post.

 I understand your anger. I feel guilty and angry too. I screwed up letting those emails get out. I know that I totally owe you an explanation about what happened, and I wish I’d told you sooner. I really regret not doing that. But I’d prefer to tell you the story in person.

I understand the emotional craziness too. I think it's pretty freaking public at this point what a shit show my life has been lately (I definitely don’t need to relive the cafeteria thing ever again), but it’s the reality is actually worse. Not only did you disappear, but my friends also stopped talking to me (which is part of the story that I need to tell you). And part of the reason they aren’t talking to me, is because of what I did not only to protect myself, but also to protect you.

Still, I get where you are coming from, even though when you left I felt...  are there even words for how that felt? Heartbroken seems like such an inadequate word. But I do know, maybe better than anyone, what it is like to be outed before you are ready and I understand that fear.  

Just writing that Creeksecrets post to you today at least made me feel like I was getting things back under control. I think my friends will come around to forgive me, at least I hope they do. I’ve already had a heart-to-heart with my best friend and it’s making me feel pretty optimistic.

Anyway, I feel like I’m just rambling when we can actually talk by actually talking. Which will be awesome. Scary as hell, but awesome.

So, yes, Blue, I still want to know your super-secret non-superhero identity. Just because this situation, as you call it, sucks, doesn’t mean that I’m not completely in love with you.

Do you have a plan? I think I'm too tired to come up with one now, and I have to at least try to sleep before the play tomorrow.

Love,

Simon

P.S. This may be the first night in a while that I have a chance at actually sleeping.


End file.
